It is probably time for Florida to trade its slogan from “The Sunshine State” to “Enter at Your Own Risk” or perhaps “Where the Insanity Never Sleeps.”
Thanks to a web mission that went viral this week, Florida is again taking the heat as an area where wild-eyed locals have intercourse with animals or assault strangers with pizza. There can be no question Florida, already domestic to such historic atrocities as a Ted Bundy murder spree and the election of Matt Gaetz, has a developing PR trouble way to this wacky “Florida Man Challenge.”
Though the internet has produced many time-wasters in recent years — Mannequin Challenge, Cinnamon Challenge, Bird Box Challenge — this one is precise. All of us who play finally end up with the same takeaway: Florida is bonkers.
Here’s how it works: You Google “Florida Man,” followed by using the month and day of your start. Then you examine the primary information story that pops up.
Florida Man is a freak 24/7, one year a 12 months.
When 50 Cent enters his birthday, the headline he shared with fans this week became, “Florida Man Says Organized, Aggressive Monkeys Swarming Property.” That’s not a story you’re possible to examine when the dateline is Edmonton or Moncton.
In fact, once I played the Florida Man Challenge with different superstar birthdays, I was given “Squirrel Attacks Florida Man, Rodent Was Raised By Neighbour” for Miley Cyrus and “Florida Man’s Murder Was Really Elaborate Suicide By Balloon” for Priyanka Chopra. Brad Pitt: “Florida Man Tried To Pay For McDonald’s With Bag of Weed.”
(Somehow, that one sort of makes the cosmic experience.)
But to behold the Florida Man Challenge is to wonder if the nation needs to recall mandatory sterilization: “Florida Man Who Allegedly Threatened Family With Coldplay Lyrics Ends Standoff After SWAT Promises Him Pizza.” “Florida Man Arrested After Punching ATM For Giving Him Too Much Money.” “Florida Man Dressed As Fred Flintstone Pulled Over For Driving Footmobile.”
To tumble down the Florida Man rabbit hollow is to puzzle over anatomical curiosities, which include “Florida Man With No Arms Charged With Stabbing Chicago Tourist” and “Florida Man Denies Syringes Found Inside Rectum Are His.”
It is to impeach if Florida’s drinking water is infected with hallucinogens: “Florida Man Reportedly Dances On Police Car To Summon Help in Vampire Battle” and “Florida Man Who Had Sex With Dolphin Says It Seduced Him.”
There had been such a lot of animal-associated horrors, PETA needs to open a new office in Miami: “Florida Man Arrested For Throwing Alligator Through Drive-Thru Window.” “Florida Man Arrested After Witnesses Said He Practiced Karate On Swans.” “Florida Man Sets Raccoon on Fire For Eating His Mangoes.” “Florida Man Suffocated To Death After Having Sex With Pet Anaconda.”
And if you think Florida is getting a horrific rap, try to replicate this level of loony tunes with some other area. Type “Toronto Man” and any birthday into Google and inform me in case you see a tale about how a local changed into a run-over by way of a garden mower even as trying to kill his son with a chainsaw.
There isn’t any Regina Manor Vancouver Man Challenge to be able to churn out headlines which include “Florida Man Tries To Start Naked Fight Club At Chick-fil-A” and “Florida Man Shoved Woman Because He Wanted To Eat Egg Rolls In Her House.”
Forget about a wall alongside the southern border. America desires to place a barricade around Florida. No, marvel, the country has such a lot of issues on election day. Half the voters are likely consuming their ballots, while the opposite half is trying to have sex with the box. Florida isn’t always a swing kingdom; it’s a batcrap crazy nation.
The beautiful climate can’t mask the dangerous kookiness.
It’s a place where Florida Man needs to be rescued after trying to journey a hamster ball to the Bahamas. It’s where Florida Man reveals a WWII grenade, which he’s taking to Taco Bell. It’s where Florida Man performs disguise-and-are seeking with a corpse and drives a Jet Ski on the street, and is going on a liquor store rampage over a caterpillar.
But instead of giggling at the bizarre headlines that emerged this week, we need to see all of them as a cautionary tale.
Florida Man is what happens while humans fall via the cracks and lose sight of the fact. Florida Man is what happens whilst substance and circumstance override impulse manipulate. Florida Man is what occurs while unhinged violence becomes a herbal reaction and empathy becomes deeply unnatural.